A friend of the family used to mail out "Gleamings" before she passed on... they consisted of humor among other things; The following has been gathered from various of these Gleamings.
(Part 1)
Recently while we were eating lunch after church one Sunday, my young-est son asked me what the highest number I had ever counted up to was. I said I didn't know. Then I asked him how high he has counted. "5,372," came the prompt reply. "Oh," I said. "Why did you stop there?" "The sermon was over."
"Some people seldom make the same mistake twice. Generally it’s three or four times."
The small boy loved watching football with his Dad and learned most of the referee’s signals. On a recent Sunday, the three-year-old attended church with his family. When the pastor raised his arms to bless the congregation , the youngster threw up his arms, shouting, “touchdown!”
What would you do on a first date that was turning sour? Craig, age 9, says I'd run home and play dead. The next day, I;d call the newspapers to make sure they write good stuff in the dead people columns.
How can you tell if two people are married? Just see if they are yelling at the same kids, according to Derrick, age 8.
What do you think your Mom and Dad have in common- Lori, age 8, says Neither wants any kids any more.
Three elderly sisters lived together, and one night the 92 year old fills the bathtub.... She pauses after putting a foot in, and then yells down the stairs "Was I getting in or out?" The 94 year old comes halfway up the stairs, and then pauses "Was I going up or down?" she asks. Finally, the eldest, age 96, hears from the kitchen where she is drinking tea. "I hope I never get that forgetful" And she knocks on the wooden table for good measure, before answering "I'll help you two after I see who is at the door..."
One grandmother heard her 5 year old granddaughter "playing wedding". The vows went like this: You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be used against you, you have the right to have an attorney... and now you may kiss the bride"
The lady says she was teaching her kindergarten age grandaughter to unbuckle her seatbelt herself. The girl goes: So I click the little square (Yes).. Do I single click or double click?
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)
These were some of the questions and answers given during a trial:
Q- Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A- No.
Q- Did you check for blood pressure?
A- No.
Q- Did you check for breathing?
A-No.
Q-So then, is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A-No.
Q-How can you be so sure?
A-Well, his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar, for one thing....
Q- But could the patient have been alive nevertheless?
A-It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
A keychain with WWJD? was fould and left in the lost and found.... atatched was a note saying "Well, he wouldnt be losing his keys. "
Final thoughts: A lady being baptized was asked by a coworker what its like to be a Christian. She told the co-worker: It’s like being a pumpkin. God picks you from the patch, brings you in, and washes all the dirt off that you may have gotten from other pumpkins.
He cuts of the top, and scoops out al the yucky stuff. He removes seeds of doubt, worry, hatred, etc., and carves a smiling face. Finally, he puts a light in you for the entire world to see.
(Part 1)
Recently while we were eating lunch after church one Sunday, my young-est son asked me what the highest number I had ever counted up to was. I said I didn't know. Then I asked him how high he has counted. "5,372," came the prompt reply. "Oh," I said. "Why did you stop there?" "The sermon was over."
"Some people seldom make the same mistake twice. Generally it’s three or four times."
The small boy loved watching football with his Dad and learned most of the referee’s signals. On a recent Sunday, the three-year-old attended church with his family. When the pastor raised his arms to bless the congregation , the youngster threw up his arms, shouting, “touchdown!”
What would you do on a first date that was turning sour? Craig, age 9, says I'd run home and play dead. The next day, I;d call the newspapers to make sure they write good stuff in the dead people columns.
How can you tell if two people are married? Just see if they are yelling at the same kids, according to Derrick, age 8.
What do you think your Mom and Dad have in common- Lori, age 8, says Neither wants any kids any more.
Three elderly sisters lived together, and one night the 92 year old fills the bathtub.... She pauses after putting a foot in, and then yells down the stairs "Was I getting in or out?" The 94 year old comes halfway up the stairs, and then pauses "Was I going up or down?" she asks. Finally, the eldest, age 96, hears from the kitchen where she is drinking tea. "I hope I never get that forgetful" And she knocks on the wooden table for good measure, before answering "I'll help you two after I see who is at the door..."
One grandmother heard her 5 year old granddaughter "playing wedding". The vows went like this: You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be used against you, you have the right to have an attorney... and now you may kiss the bride"
The lady says she was teaching her kindergarten age grandaughter to unbuckle her seatbelt herself. The girl goes: So I click the little square (Yes).. Do I single click or double click?
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)
These were some of the questions and answers given during a trial:
Q- Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A- No.
Q- Did you check for blood pressure?
A- No.
Q- Did you check for breathing?
A-No.
Q-So then, is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A-No.
Q-How can you be so sure?
A-Well, his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar, for one thing....
Q- But could the patient have been alive nevertheless?
A-It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
A keychain with WWJD? was fould and left in the lost and found.... atatched was a note saying "Well, he wouldnt be losing his keys. "
Final thoughts: A lady being baptized was asked by a coworker what its like to be a Christian. She told the co-worker: It’s like being a pumpkin. God picks you from the patch, brings you in, and washes all the dirt off that you may have gotten from other pumpkins.
He cuts of the top, and scoops out al the yucky stuff. He removes seeds of doubt, worry, hatred, etc., and carves a smiling face. Finally, he puts a light in you for the entire world to see.
