I'll call this post Church Funnies, I think. There is something about most of them that is a little off and maybe even a bit mean.... but they are still fairly good for a laugh. You'll see:
The Sunday before an upcoming mission project, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate, even let them all share in gratitude and that whoever specifically had given the most would be able to pick out three hymns. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
There were these three brothers who lived in this little town and always got in trouble. So one day their mother called the priest in to talk to the three brothers.The priest called in the youngest one first and asked the child, "Where is God?" The little boy started to look around the room so the priest asked him again, the boy started to look under things and on top of shelves. The priest keep asking the boy "Where is God?" and the little boy finally ran out of the room to his older brothers and said "We're in trouble!" "Why?" the brothers asked "Because God's missing and they think we have something to do with it" the boy answered.
One day there was this little girl who said "Can a whale swallow a man" The teacher said "No, it is physically impossible" The girl asked "Dont you believe the story of Jonah and the whale?" and the teacher said "Yes, sure... but it is physically impossible for a whale to swallow a man" The girl goes, Well when I go to heaven I am going to ask Jonah if he really got swallowed by a whale". The teacher said " But what if Jonah didnt go to heaven?" The little girl replied "Then you ask him"
A man appears before the pearly gates and St. Peter asks, "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once I came upon a gang of really-tough bikers who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked over his bike, ripped out his nose ring, threw it on the ground, and told him, "Leave her alone or you'll answer to me.'" St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?" To that the man replied, "Oh, just a couple of minutes ago."
Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why not? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially amazed when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs and the dust. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying on a couch as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!"
The Sunday before an upcoming mission project, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate, even let them all share in gratitude and that whoever specifically had given the most would be able to pick out three hymns. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
There were these three brothers who lived in this little town and always got in trouble. So one day their mother called the priest in to talk to the three brothers.The priest called in the youngest one first and asked the child, "Where is God?" The little boy started to look around the room so the priest asked him again, the boy started to look under things and on top of shelves. The priest keep asking the boy "Where is God?" and the little boy finally ran out of the room to his older brothers and said "We're in trouble!" "Why?" the brothers asked "Because God's missing and they think we have something to do with it" the boy answered.
One day there was this little girl who said "Can a whale swallow a man" The teacher said "No, it is physically impossible" The girl asked "Dont you believe the story of Jonah and the whale?" and the teacher said "Yes, sure... but it is physically impossible for a whale to swallow a man" The girl goes, Well when I go to heaven I am going to ask Jonah if he really got swallowed by a whale". The teacher said " But what if Jonah didnt go to heaven?" The little girl replied "Then you ask him"
A man appears before the pearly gates and St. Peter asks, "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once I came upon a gang of really-tough bikers who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked over his bike, ripped out his nose ring, threw it on the ground, and told him, "Leave her alone or you'll answer to me.'" St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?" To that the man replied, "Oh, just a couple of minutes ago."
Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why not? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially amazed when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs and the dust. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying on a couch as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!"
