It sounds kind of dumb but school has always been my sanctuary, where I felt relatively free and comfortable and included, even if that was just a side effect of mandatory group projects and teachers paid specifically to teach you things.
They say that you grow the most when you are young, you go from a few cells to a baby to a tiny person who can walk and talk and pick a favorite color.
But hell it sure feels like things are changing an awful lot now, I feel like I am growing up a lot.
I'm buying things for myself.
Budgeting my money.
Trying to get a job.
Buying a bunch of shorts which is a big deal since I havent worn pants in like 5 years.
This was from a conversation with a friend:
High school was the norm and now I have to transition my mentality of myself from "kid in school" to "person who has graduated" which is hard.
The norm has been way too much homework.
Too much stress.
Raising my hand.
I've been looking at the notes and they all say high school was a bad dream, you'll wonder why you cared so much. Its just interesting to imagine.
Like I guess for me, high school consumed my thoughts for the last four years, school in general as long as I can remember. In the last few weeks of high school, AP tests were over, things were wrapping up and I remember talking to my chem teacher "I have always had asssignments to do. I have always taken classes over the summer (math, gym class, chem, speech, etc) and now, nothing. My mind was bored i needed things to do, to feel productive, to have purpose to my activity.
And like they say that junior year is hard for people, there is too much work, and that was the case for me but I didnt see it then. It was my normal. I didnt stop to think and then this spring once i went over to a friends house and she just sat so content on the sofa with her boyfriend. Like a person and not a student and I realzied that I have been missing a lot.
Another friend mentions texting her dad jokes and I dont really know what its like to joke with your parents and just enjoy company with them. I know what its like to talk to teachers about my feelings or share a story but compared to my teachers, especially the ones senior year, my parents are strangers.
In Real Life people go out to restaurants.
People go to movies.
People go to amusement parks.
People watch TV.
People go to concerts.
People have families.
People listen to music in the car.
People have Christmas and Easter and Thanksgiving meals with said families.
I feel like I have none of these things. (Yes, I have parents. I am not that dumb, and I have a sister to. But we havent eaten meals at the table in probably 8 years and also the closest relative after that is 9 hours away not including pit stops. The next is ten and a half hours not including pit stops, or 11 hours and about 15 minutes if we stop at the first on the way to the second. That said, we havent been too see any of them in 4 years.
It feels like longer.
In 11th grade, one of the teachers I had called me out on my tunnel vision on school: why do you obsess so much about your grades? Why does it matter so much to you? And she knew that there was something wrong even more than I myself did.
That teacher said "I have never had a student try as hard as you, never had a student get that high of a grade in this class." I had a 95 as my final grade.
And I think part of that is Aspies (Aspergers). I am pretty sure I am an aspergirl/person with autism because I honestly try so hard to please people. People like me try to be perfect and if we please people, they will accept us. If we agree with them, they will include us. If we work 10x harder, maybe we will measure up to everyone else.
I always always have said that I work more at school than the other kids. Yes, they may have harder workloads but it doesnt affect them as much. They can manage it and complete it easily. They might have a packet and complete the whole thing the day its due on the bus to school when I will highlight and underline and take notes and type and double space and ask a friend to peer-edit. ANd then I have just spent 10 hours on the same 5 point assignment.
I guess thats another rant. But I had just seen the post at the top and its really hard because high school has been my home not to have that anymore and I am so glad that I got into my top choice and I think I will really love it. I think it will help me transition to being a person, an adult. At least I hope so...
Started: 11:50 on June 8, 2017
Finished: 12:45 on June 8, 2017 including the images and looking at notes.
Oh this is relateable! Peopel will say "you know what you did" but we never have any idea. We try really bad to please everyone and then feel really bad for causing problems. We think if we are perfect we will be liked and people will accept us.