To every one else, the choice was entirely religious however, there was another factor which made me make the decision. I have struggled with trich since at least the first grade and also wanted a hat to cover up much of my hair so I wouldnt pull it out. I remember in first grade the AC unit was in a closet at the corner of the classroom and I would always find it distracting, overwintering even. When we would sit on the rug, I remember pulling out the hairs on my legs because I was stressed and its sort of gone from there. Sometimes, its triggered by stress and sometimes I dont even realize I am compulsively pulling out hair from my body until I am sitting in a puddle of it. Its gotten to the point where if I lose a set of tweezers or something, i will go absolutely crazy until I pull out some hair.
I've worn them ever since and very frequently people ask why. We will be at a gas station, museum, theme park, food court, just about anywhere and people will ask me what sort of church I go to. I get asked if I am mennonite, amish, lots of different things and I always used to love this question because I could tell them about jesus. Usually the first thing I say is that I wear it because it starts conversation and if the person still looks interested, I will talk about the gospel and love and Jesus.
But more recently, I have also realized that people arent actually listening to what I am saying,. Usually they think that I am forced to wear it by my parents, when that is not true and in fact my mother is against rthe practice, and people start to make assumptions about me that arent true. People my age will refrain from talking about taboo subjects with me and will apologize for using colorful language. I dont want to be seen as judgmental or closeminded, and I dont want to give an impression that I'm not approachable.
And I wonder if I would actually have more meaningful conversations were I not to wear it. Something else that has been on my mind is that right now I am writing the Common Application college admissions essay and one of my weaknesses there is that I am telling more than I am showing details I want to share. I wonder if I would create a better witness if I would share what a lifestyle of love, patience, gentleness, and ultimately, the gospel looks like instead of making a point out of talking so much about it, Who cares what I say I believe, at the end of the day, isnt it more about how I actually live those beliefs out?
Kind of hand in hand with that, my religion is not centered around a piece of fabric. I dont want to be known as the girl in a head covering, or worse mistaken for being like Amish or something I am not. My religion is about Jesus and I'm soo sooo far from being a Christ like person, but if I had to choose, I would want that go be my reputation.
Often times I dont experience the same peer pressure to look like, think like, and act like everyone else so I never feel out of place even when I am the only one who wears a covering at my school or in my church. These things dont bug me and if anything, its the thought of not wearing it which seems more intimidating. All of a sudden I wouldnt have that crutch and it would be all up to me.
Right now, I feel like I cant stop wearing a covering because in the past, when I have hair that is too short to be pulled back, I really pull it out. Currently my hair is shedding and that makes me stressed out and I'm pulling it out in addition to it falling out so I would like my hair to be more stable before I make any big changes. I would like to cut off some of the length and stop wearing a covering at some point, but right now its a lot of things I am talking about but not acting on yet.
But just because I never really talked about all that on here I thought I would today.