no offense to anyone; Hope they mane you smile.
"I think I'm the smartest woman in the world," she said. She fell over dead
Then a red head girl walked up. "I think I'm the prettiest woman in the world, she said. SHe fell over dead.
Then a blonde walked up. She looked at the mirror, and said "I think-"
She fell over dead.
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.
"I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down!
A blonde is driving down a road past a field. She notices another blonde in the middle of the field, furiously rowing in a row boat. The blonde stops her car, gets out and yells to the other blonde: "It's blondes like you that give us a bad name! If I could swim, I'd come out there and give you a piece of my mind!"There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"
A blonde was flying to Chicago to visit her mom. She hadn't purchased a first class ticket, but when she saw a first class seat open, she moved to it. A few minutes later a flight attendant came up to her and said you need to move back to your seat. She refused, so the flight attendant got another flight attendant. They told she had to move back to her seat. She refused so they went and got the co-pilot. The co-pilot said that he spoke blonde, so he walked up to the blonde and said "honey...first class isn't flying to Chicago. You might want to move back to your seat." The blonde scrambled back to her seat.
Question: If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?
Answer: The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for directions!
Blonde: I was born in the U.S. Friend: Oh really, what part? Blonde: All of me, silly.
This one is pretty cruel, FYI:
There were three third graders walking down the street a redhead, brunnette, and a blonde. Which one had the best figure? The Blonde, she was 18.
Once, a blonde went to a store. She saw a television set, and asked the clerk how much it would cost.
"Sorry, I don't sell to blondes," he said.
The blonde went home and dyed her hair brown. She went back the next day and asked for the television set.
"Sorry, I don't sell to blondes," said the clerk.
The blonde went home and shaved her head. She went back the next day and asked for the television set.
"Sorry, I don't sell to blondes," said the clerk.
"How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's not a TV, thats a microwave."
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking ... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Hellooooooo, can you see Florida ...?"
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then ...........
"Let's put all these Frosties back in the box."
Two blondes are driving to Disneyland. As they get close, they see a road sign that says, "Disneyland, left." So they turned around and went home.
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? You knock on the door.
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Did you hear about the blond who was arrested for shoplifting shoes from Target? They caught him just as he was hopping out the front door. (U.S. Target marketing note: pairs of shoes are typically sold connected together by a short string.)
Game Show Host: what is the capitol of texas? Blonde: T
Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto." Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays..."God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself..."Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket"
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are walking down an alley at night and they witness a murder. The murderer sees them and starts to chase after them. The 3 women find an old warehouse and inside they find 3 potato sacks on the floor. They each get into a different sack to hide. The murderer comes in, sees the sacks on the floor, and kicks the one with the brunette in it. He hears "woof woof!" and thinks "oh there's just a dog in there"
He goes over to the one with the redhead in it and kicks it.
He hears "meow meow" and thinks "oh just some cats in this one"
Then he kicks the one with the blond in it and hears "potato! potato!"
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?
Scroll Down. --->
<----- Scroll Up.
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled , "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
Two blondes walk into a bar, the brunette ducks.
And if you're still with me, an old lady joke:Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
Who else is is so blonde that they trip over a cordless phone?
What's brown, red, black and blue? A brunette who's been telling too many blonde jokes!