Written October 10, 2016

In my house we dont pray as a family. We never have prayed at meals together, or before bed, or at any point really at all. 

And, to be honest, I dont always pray every day. 

Its an embarrassing fact and when I do pray and read the Bible I love it but then I get out of the habit and... forget. 

I used to try to force myself to "if you see something yellow, you should pray" and different tricks but I would only see something yellow at an inconvenient time, such as a timed exam or history presentation. Or, more specifically, I 98% of the time I would just forget. 

So to combat this, over the summer I created a daily reminder through the google calander. I plan blog things on there. I keep track of when to charge my calculator and take my supplements through there, so why not prayer reminders too? 

Its both been super helpful to see the reminders yet I dont know how much of a difference it makes quantitatively. I mean, the reminders are great, but I still will go "okay, I will do that in two minutes" and then never get to it. 

My reminder goes out at 8 pm and as I write this its 11:44. I still have not talked to God, even though I really really really really should, since college requires a lot of really important decisions. People have asked me to pray for them. There is a lot on my mind. 

I really dont have an excuse not too. 

And I was thinking about the way that earlier one of my friends said that she was hurt and will be on crutches and right away I responded to her: 

me: WHAT? What happened? Are you alright? 
me: You sound like you need hugs:
me: *hugs*
me: *hugs*
me: *hugs*
me: also WHO HURT YOU?

Clearly this friend was a high enough priority to drop everything and make sure she will be okay. 

And she is quite important to me, which isnt a bad thing at all, but I can almost hear God asking "Why do you treat me so poorly even though you treat other people so well?" which is a very good point. 

We all have things that we will drop everything for: 

• A mom realizes her baby boy is sick and calls off work to stay home with him. 
• A girl hears of a softball tournament this weekend and packs her bags to leave within the hour. 
• A friend texts that she was hurt and I stopped what I was doing to check in
• A college student really likes to watch a certain show and schedules his classes around it so he will never miss an episode. 
• A couple loves their pet dog so much that they sacrifice their wants to pay for her to have chemo upon being diagnosed with cancer. 
• A man wants to be the first one to get the new phone in his town so he camps out at the store for a week. 

And yet, when it comes to God we say, oh I cant drop everything. 

I'm a busy individual, we say. 

Or, we say, God youre pretty nice and um, thanks for taking care of me, and also could you fix my issue a little faster next time, but, you know, well I am too busy to talk to you right now.... sorry. 

Its kinda pathetic, guys. 

Also... I should stop talking about praying and actually talk to God for a bit. 

Bye for now!

// If you want to leave a comment, maybe answer: When do you drop everything?

Before 9th grade I decided that I wanted to wear a head covering and so that summer I made a pattern and sewed myself several of them. The passage in the bible that discusses wearing a covering is in 1 Corinthians 11 and most people interpret it to being something that is no longer relevant. At the time, I had questioned why we still observe communion, which is discussed later in the chapter, and yet want to cut out verses which are right before that passage. In general, I was  uncomfortable with the idea of picking and choosing bible verses which seem comfortable to us. At that point, I was 13 but even now I still believe that the bible is meant to affect our secular lives, that the bible should influence the music we listen to, the way we treat people, and even the clothes we wear. To me the God of the universe is allowed to do that, to set a guideline and expect us to go by it. 

To every one else, the choice was entirely religious however, there was another factor which made me make the decision.  I have struggled with trich since at least the first grade and also wanted a hat to cover up much of my hair so I wouldnt pull it out. I remember in first grade the AC unit was in a closet at the corner of the classroom and I would always find it distracting, overwintering even.  When we would sit on the rug, I remember pulling out the hairs on my legs because I was stressed and its sort of gone from there. Sometimes, its triggered by stress and sometimes I dont even realize I am compulsively pulling out hair from my body until I am sitting in a puddle of it. Its gotten to the point where if I lose a set of tweezers or something, i will go absolutely crazy until I pull out some hair. 

I've worn them ever since and very frequently people ask why. We will be at a gas station, museum, theme park, food court, just about anywhere and people will ask me what sort of church I go to. I get asked if I am mennonite, amish, lots of different things and I always used to love this question because I could tell them about jesus. Usually the first thing I say is that I wear it because it starts conversation and if the person still looks interested, I will talk about the gospel and love and Jesus. 

But more recently, I have also realized that people arent actually listening to what I am saying,. Usually they think that I am forced to wear it by my parents, when that is not true and in fact my mother is against rthe practice, and people start to make assumptions about me that arent true. People my age will refrain from talking about taboo subjects with me and will apologize for using colorful language. I dont want to be seen as judgmental or closeminded, and I dont want to give an impression that I'm not approachable. 

And I wonder if I would actually have more meaningful conversations were I not to wear it. Something else that has been on my mind is that right now I am writing the Common Application college admissions essay and one of my weaknesses there is that I am telling more than I am showing details I want to share.  I wonder if I would create a better witness if I would share what a lifestyle of love, patience, gentleness, and ultimately, the gospel looks like instead of making a point out of talking so much about it, Who cares what I say I believe, at the end of the day, isnt it more about how I actually live those beliefs out? 

Kind of hand in hand with that, my religion is not centered around a piece of fabric. I dont want to be known as the girl in a head covering, or worse mistaken for being like Amish or something I am not. My religion is about Jesus and I'm soo sooo far from being a Christ like person, but if I had to choose, I would want that go be my reputation. 

Often times I dont experience the same peer pressure to look like, think like, and act like everyone else so I never feel out of place even when I am the only one who wears a covering at my school or in my church. These things dont bug me and if anything, its the thought of not wearing it which seems more intimidating. All of a sudden I wouldnt have that crutch and it would be all up to me. 

Right now, I feel like I cant stop wearing a covering because in the past, when I have hair that is too short to be pulled back, I really pull it out. Currently my hair is shedding and that makes me stressed out and I'm pulling it out in addition to it falling out so I would like my hair to be more stable before I make any big changes. I would like to cut off some of the length and stop wearing a covering at some point, but right now its a lot of things I am talking about but not acting on yet. 

But just because I never really talked about all that on here I thought I would today. 

/ Written Nov 19

Today was the November Diaper Depot and it was awesome.

If you havent heard me talk about it before, its a event at a local church where they give families a weeks worth of diapers for up to two kids, have hot breakfast, produce from local farms, clothing, stuffed animals, a coloring table for kids, and information about medical help and assistance paying for utilities. Somrtiems they have other items like today there were crocheted items, jewelry, and other knick knacks from a recent bazaar. 

• They applied for a $7,000 grant from the county and actually got $9,000
• And, last month a local chapter of the Rotary Club gave $2,000 and a higher up level matched that amount. 

So, they can host the diaper depot every month next year instead of 3 times every 4 months. 

There were a ton of high school kids helping out but no one who spoke French Creole. 

Throughout the morning, I was thinking about those who have come in the past who speak French Creole.... 

These were kids in middle school, yet they were extremely important to communicate with the families who speak that language. 

Us high school kids are smarter and more mature, but these younger kids are just as important as us, if not more helpful because they are fluent. 


There is an important lesson to be learned that you dont have to be the smartest one.  You don't have to be the smartest, you don't have to be rich or an adult or anything special to so something significant. 

You dont have to be an adult or smart or rich or anything to help another person. 

I was talking about this to someone when I was there: a little boy who was unfolding boxes and stacking them in a pile. 

He was doing a fantastic job  you could tell he wanted to be the best box unfolder and he was though and I asked him: How old are you?

Seven, he said. 

And I just thought wow. He has 10 years less experience than me. He probably cant even do long division or write a long essay and probably hasnt studied anything too significant in a history class?

You know what he can do? Unfold boxes. So that's what he did and he *loved* being helpful and it was really sweet


But this boy set his mind to being the best box-unfolder and the best unfolded-box-stacker and he was doing really well. 

He didn't understand when I was telling him he was really cool. He was like, I'm just unfolding boxes. There are people out welcoming people in from the cold and making pancakes in the kitchen. I can't do that. And I was like no, you are important too. It doesnt matter you are a kid. There are no requirements like that to being helpful. You dont have to be special to help people. 

It doesnt matter what skills you have or how much resources. You just start somewhere and do what you can within those limits. 

Title: Showing Heart
Author: Leighann Marquiss
Published: 2013
Pages: 220
Rating: 4/5
Sample here
Book link here
Author website
Source: Bought a copy, she signed it on the spot

Synopsis: 

In the summer of 2008, in the suburbs of Washington, D.C., Henry and Leighann Marquiss are given news that will change their lives forever. The life of their youngest child hangs in the balance with a very slim chance at survival. Torn by grief and disappointment, they struggle to come to grips with their son’s fatal diagnosis. With his tiny heart beating precariously outside of his body, Henry and Leighann strive to fight for his life while balancing the needs and emotions of their two young daughters. This is the heart-rending story of how one family comes together to live life fully in the face of adversity. 

Opinions: 

Recently we have had two guest speakers at church. The first was Emily Colson of Dancing with Max and the second, Leighann Marquiss of Showing Heart. Both are worth looking into. 
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I found Leighann Marquiss's use of linguistics to be fascinating. She really was passionate about what she was sharing and made it very emotional and action-filled. I picked up that a lot of her verbs were -ing verbs in order to show how everything has evolved and also continues to develop.  I am going to condense her message from my notes but she said things like this: 

I remember being in this strange state, when the nurses told me. I would later learn this is called going into shock. I wasnt hearing anything that my husband or the nurses were saying. My son, who I was told I would never hold, diagnosed with a disease with a 0% chance of survival. One that affects only 1 in 8 million. I  was begging God for hope in this situation. I had been telling him 'My childhood best friend died at age 14 of leukemia. My sisters best friend died at age 14 of bone cancer. I am not ready for my own kid to die as well' ....only to be overwhelmed by the grace of God. God sent someone to clean my kitchen when I wanted to see my baby because he saw the tears splashing on my cheeks. He fed my family when I asked if he would because he was itching to help me. He was there all along and he was not giving up. 

It was really intense. She focused a lot on hope in hard times and I wrote down lots of good religious ideas like: 

• God knows exactly what this fees like, and he has my back.
• Obedience is not for the faint of heart.

I later learned that she was an English major, which makes sense because linguistics, remember?

In contrast I felt a bit disappointed when I opened up the book. It wasnt that it was poorly edited, or felt fake or anything, but there was a lot less planning that went into the book and it was a lot less complex than it could have been. 

Was I blown away? No. 

Yet as I continued reading, I realized that she told her story from a very raw place, that she wasnt so much writing for readers but for her own healing and sanity.  Her story she drew from old emails and journal entries and when you read it you realize that it was much too overwhelming than to sit for hours at a time and craft a perfect book. 

This is why when the book ends fairly abruptly, I cant say that it holds back the quality of the book. Sure it seems a little awkward and certainly I wish there was more, but as a reader I also have to consider everything that is going on. 

And in that light, it is a fantastic story. I definitely cried as I read this book and there were times I was stunned by her commentary on her own story. There are times when you will question the book- why was this passage included? why did she write that chapter that way?- but when you consider the message as a whole, its worth rereading. 

I can give it a 4, and strongly recommend you pick up a copy. Links are at the top if you would like to order online. 

About the author: 

Leighann Marquiss is an author, blogger, and speaker who uses her experiences to help others find hope. She and her husband have four young children, including a son with a severe heart defect, and live in Pittsburgh, PA. She's the author of Showing Heart: The True Story of How One Boy Defied the Odds, Looking Toward the Cross: A 40-day Easter Journey for Families, and You Are Not Alone: An Insider's Guide to Facing Prenatal Diagnosis. She can be found regularly at www.leighannmarquiss.com